Page 33 – Hoodwinked
That first panel still makes me laugh–mom totally drains her mojo. Even tho things are looking bad, this page makes me smile.
“Teefed” is a Caribbean word I learned from my sister. I bet you can guess what it means.
Original Script
MOM Enters the room What is the matter now? JANE THAT HAG WILL RUE THE DAY SHE STEALS FROM THIS HOUSE! MOM Jane Webb! Language! JANE Mother! Your guest has stolen my amulet! MOM Come now. Where’s the proof? JANE Catch her, there’s your proof! Signal the city watch! GHOST Maybe if you had not boasted to the world about your … JANE Oh! You’re going to take HER side?! After the humiliation she just put me through! MOM Who are you talking… Is it still here? The séance didn’t work?! JANE No, mother. You’ve been hoodwinked. Teefed. Robbed! You invited a criminal into our home.
That first panel is a great example of how to start a page. With a bang!
Here’s where seeing the original script is a great illustration of how to write a comic. Quite often you can drop the whole first panel, or, in this case, the first half of the first panel and get a lot more oompf out of the opening.
Plus, you know, it’s hilarious. Jane’s being a teen, Mom’s a mom, and Ol’ Bluebeards isn’t being much help at all.
And that trail of taillights (shouldn’t they be red?) is a brilliant way to show the thieves making their getaway.
I call this page, “Close your mouth, Jane, before you swallow a bug.”
You hit on an important writing and editing trick, Charlie. One that I discovered late in the game: that less is more. A few upcoming scenes that were giving me trouble also became much better after a little pruning.
Well, Sir Ezra has a case. Jane has stacked boast upon misstep until she has constructed a veritable Tower of Bumble, a landmark to attract the meretricious. 🙂
She lives in the now. Consequences be damned.
Generally speaking, it’s a bad idea to tick off the mummy. I think somebody’s about to learn this lesson is the most painful possible way.
If only things were that easy. (evil laugh)
How long can she go on without the amulet? And will its absence from her start becoming visible?
Jane could probably last a few days if she rested and didn’t do too much, like use her powers. If she cannot get her amulet back she’ll eventually become an immobile corpse, not quite dead nor alive.
jane is definitely missing a ‘bwa ha ha’ in the first panel. she does rage well.
nice smorgasbord of tasty words in this one -‘hag’, ‘hoodwinked’, especially ‘teefed’.
could this end up rewrapping jane?
Thank you. I’ve been trying to balance the arcane words. They seem to trigger either a love-it or hate-it reaction from readers. The mummy will return, but first lots of twists and turns.
I’d say “hag” is a fitting soubriquet in this situation.
I wonder what all this means for Sir Ezra, if things go bad for Jane. Does he have to keep being her guide, or is this not-quite-life-not-quite-death thing a loophole for him to get out. I wonder just how active a role he intends to take in the attempted recovery of the key.
I’ve got ideas on ghost mechanics, but am not ready to divulge trade secrets. If anything happens to Jane then Ezra probably won’t like it’s impact on him.