Page 29 – Promises, Promises
Writer’s Block: This was one of those scenes that contained a lot necessary conversation, but wasn’t working. It did the job, but was in fact BORING! Then a comic maker on the Webcomic Underdogs Facebook group shared an article on avoiding on-the-nose dialog. The above scene was rewritten without explicitly spelling everything out.
The trick I think was discovering the scene’s theme. Here, the perpetrator (Ghost), is unsuccessfully trying to win over the victim of his “physical” assault (Jane). First with humor, then sympathy, and finally by giving her some leverage over him. I don’t know if my writing skills are up for this kind of dynamic, but I’ll do my best to keep it honest.
Let me know how it works for you, dear reader.
Original Script
MADAME
While Madame goes through her routine again, the ghost talks over her.
Spirit of the past, move among us.
Ezra Tyree, reveal thyself.
GHOST
She has an ingenious apparatus sewn into her…
ahem, unmentionables.
KLACK
JANE
{Grumble}
GHOST
Do you know what I miss most?
The perfume of an old book.
Standing in the table and pointlessly trying to grasp the wine glass.
JANE
Humph!
MADAME
You are no longer welcome here, ghost.
GHOST
Looking remorseful.
I pledge to never again possess you without your leave.
JANE whispers
I don’t believe you.
MADAME
Silence, please.
I shall banish thee, spirit.
I call upon the light of—
GHOST
Trust is not necessary.
Once you know how to block me.
Sir Ezra emptied all of his reservoir of good will with that ill-starred posession. I should be rather nonplussed if Jane even trusts his offer of teaching her how to protect herself from him.
The good news is that it his solution works. The bad news is, well. You’ll have to wait until the next page to find out. 🙂
But she can trust him though. Or at least trust that he speaks the truth, given that he can’t lie to her.
I really like the fact that there are peace talks going on right under madame’s nose, and she doesn’t have a clue.
I thought it worked beautifully. I hate dialogue heavy pages too. They give me artist’s block.
But this works. The overlapping dialogue is interesting and Sir Tyree’s progression-mentioning unmentionables, pausing, trying to make a connection, and then getting serious all flows well.
And Jane is acting like a teenager, of course, which makes it more difficult for him.
Thanks, Charlie. His solution (on the next page) is rather elegant. Plus, more Simza shenanigans.
Ol’ Sir Ezra’s checking out her unmentionables, eh? What a sly dog.
All ghosts are perverts. Something about unfinished business. 😛
I really wouldn’t trust him if I were her either, but it’s not as though this medium is gonna get anywhere either.
It works well to add levity to an otherwise disturbing situation. While the implications of consent are troubling in this scenario, it’s far enough removed from any real-world context that you can have Tyree make light of it (which doesn’t get him off the hook, but does prevent him from being so unsympathetic to make the read unpleasant).